Listening as well as talking
In James 1:19 we read, ‘My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry’.
But we tend to have a number of false assumptions about listening;
- We think that listening is instinctive to all of us, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Careful listening comes as a result of intention and discipline.
- Most of us think that we’re better listeners than we are - our friends can help us to more accurately assess ourselves!
- We can think that listening is a passive act, but it takes work - in listening, we temporarily suspend our own needs and we pause before offering our own opinions or share our personal experiences. We don’t rush to, ‘I know, that happened to me, and….’
- Some people are difficult - they come at us like a dentist with a noisy drill, and we have to overcome natural aversion in order to serve them.
But when we listen, we give a priceless gift!
- Being heard is precious - when there is lack of listening in a lifelong relationship, it hurts more.
- People know when they’re not being noticed.
- Conversation is more than taking turns to share monologues.
- We should avoid making premature assumptions or reassurances, and let people talk - we can be the victim of our own intuitive skills and perceptiveness, and shortcut the possibility of them expressing themselves.
- Listening is a solid bridge - silence is never passive.
- Let’s not just show interest, but take interest.
- Let’s be aware of our own hidden assumptions about the person who is speaking.
- Don’t say, ’I know how you feel’. We may have common or similar experiences, but nobody really knows how anyone else feels!
David Burns, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania: "The biggest mistake you can make in trying to talk convincingly is to put your highest priority on expressing your ideas and feelings. What most people really want is to be listened to, respected and understood. The moment people see that they are being understood, they become more motivated to understand your point of view.”
The following test1 can help determine your active listening quotient. Give yourself four points if the answer to the following question is Always; three points for Usually; two points for Rarely; and one point for Never.
Do I allow the speaker to finish without interrupting? _________.
Do I listen "between the lines" for the subtext? _________
Do I repeat what the person just said to clarify the meaning? _________
Do I avoid getting hostile or agitated when I disagree with the speaker? _________.
Do I tune out distractions when listening? _________
Do I make an effort to seem interested in what the other person is saying? _________.
Scoring: If you scored 22 points or higher, you are an excellent listener. If you scored between 18 and 21, you are better than average. At 14 to 17 points, you have room for improvement. And if you scored below 13, you need to immediately get someone to help you practice the following skills for Active Listening.
1 From https://www.smallgroups.com/articles/2011/power-of-active-listening.html